19 Jan Cannabis Causes Tennis Elbow Which Could Lead To Cancer

Originally published 28th January 2011

After all the brave and courageous work that the Daily Mail has done in demonising drugs, particularly in explaining how very, very dangerous cannabis is, tonight its editors and journalists gathered in an atmosphere of self-righteous gloom and sanctimonious misery. The BBC has ruined it all.

The headline reads: “BBC Slammed For “How Drugs Work” Show Which Glamorises Illegal Substances”. (Snappy, eh?) See here for the Mail’s valiant and noble defence against this wicked tide of reason and common sense.

Surely something can be done to shut the BBC up?

Can’t James “Broken Britain” Brokenshire come up with some ministerial order or something to stop them telling the truth?

Let’s get the punters back on the booze. That’s where the tax revenue come from. More importantly, that’s where so much of ministers’ jollies, perks and, you know, fun and excitement comes from. I mean there’s Ascot, Glyndebourne, Henley, Twickers, Eton old boys day, Wembley. I mean, all these events are founded on a good old piss up – and the brown envelopes from the big booze companies, well they do come in very handy you know!

That’s what we want to get the hoi polloi back to. That’ll keep em happy and docile. (Don’t tell ’em about Charlie and his snifters. Let’s keep that between ourselves, eh?)

I know the truth has been allowed to leak out. More and more are realising how dangerous alcohol is. You really mustn’t mention it, even alongside heroin and cocaine. We can’t afford the scientific comparison. It doesn’t support our case. We must not allow them to realise how bad it is. All we need to do is come up with some good scare story. The schizophrenia thing doesn’t seem to have worked. What about…what about…what about? Tennis elbow? Yes, tennis elbow!

What do you think? You know, all that picking the spliff up, putting it down. Yes! That’s it! Cannabis causes tennis elbow. Get it out now!

Cannabis causes tennis elbow – which could lead to cancer. Call the press conference now!