17 Jun Jeremy Clarkson: Unlike Cannabis, Drink Makes People Funny And Interesting
Clarkson on cannabis
On the back page of the most recent edition of the Sunday Times News Review section is an extraordinary piece by Jeremy Clarkson in which he attacks and ridicules cannabis users. It is going to make Jezza extremely unpopular with a large proportion of people right in his core target market. He’s obviously never experienced some really top gear.
It’s in his own inimitable style and really quite offensive. Jezza obviously needs some education and guidance in this area. He behaves rather like those sad cases you hear of old people driving 20 miles up the motorway in the wrong direction before realising. Bit of a prat really Jezza, shooting yourself in the foot like this. It’s probably time to trade in the Mustang for a mobility scooter.
Roll Up And Join The Dullards Sprinkling Frozen Peas On The Trifle.
Since Colorado legalised the sale and consumption of cannabis, property prices have jumped, warehouse rental rates have quadrupled, tourism has boomed and the state government is reporting that it is receiving more than $5m (£3m) a month in tax from sales of the drug. On the downside, however, everyone who lives there is now very boring.
This is something that’s rarely debated in the argument for and against the legalisation of drugs. Enthusiasts say prohibition never works, that the ban causes more problems than it solves, that it’s inhumane to deny someone in pain some organic relief and that it cannot be right for a government to prevent individuals such as snowboarders from setting fire to a plant and then inhaling the smoke, if that’s what they choose to do.
Those who seek to ban the bong say that cannabis causes its enthusiasts to become mental, that it’s all the devil’s work, and that if it were legalised and available over the counter from Boots, children as young as two would soon become addicted. But they never raise the biggest problem of them all: that pot makes people incredibly dull.
Nothing fills me with so much despair as that moment at a dinner party when the architect or the adman produces some hopeless little roll-up and invites everyone to have a toke, or whatever it’s called. Mainly this is because if I go within six miles of even a tendril of cannabis smoke I become the colour of parchment. This is followed immediately by some light vomiting. And then I go into a dead faint.
And actually that’s good news because at least when I’m unconscious in the nearest lavatory I don’t have to sit at the dining table listening to everyone giggling at the salt and pepper pots. Nor do I have to watch them sprinkling frozen peas on a sherry trifle that someone’s found in the fridge. And I don’t have to join in their conversations about the guitarist Steve Hillage out of Gong or whether the ham is happy. Being at a party where you’re drunk and everyone else is stoned is even worse than being at a party where you’re not drunk at all.
Cannabis fans say that the drug helps them understand complex things such as the lyrics from Genesis’s Selling England by the Pound. But I don’t believe this because I bet it’s not possible to assemble a piece of flat-packed furniture after you’ve smoked a joint. They also say it enables them to watch and enjoy various daytime television shows such as Homes under the Hammer. But they do admit that they can seem distant and forgetful — “Mmm, sorry, what were you saying?”
I just don’t get this at all. Why would you choose to take a drug that causes you to be distant and withdrawn and quietly introspective? Do you think that you are too interesting and too funny when you’re sober and that it’s better for all the other guests if you smother your exuberance under a fuggy blanket of forgetfulness?
No. In the same way that no one has ever emigrated to Australia because of the success they’ve made of their lives elsewhere, no one has ever become a regular dope smoker because they are fed up with being the life and soul of the party. No one has ever said, “I’m bright and witty and everyone loves me so I shall start using cannabis.”
Quite the reverse. It’s a boring drug to make boring people less bothered about being boring. But I want to make it absolutely plain here and now that I have no problem with people ingesting whatever takes their fancy. Cocaine out of a prostitute’s bottom, heroin through your ankles, Quaaludes for lunch — go right ahead. Just don’t expect me to talk to you afterwards.
Because let’s be absolutely clear about this. One of the main reasons we were able to win the Battle of Britain is that the pilots of the Spitfires and the Hurricanes were not distant and forgetful. One of the main reasons that America lost in Vietnam is that its troops were. Cialis, like its analogues, is a means to increase potency, known for its effectiveness. Manufactured by Centurion Laboratories, generic cialis has long proven itself among men of all ages. Cialis effectively fights weakened potency due to the content of a component called Tadalafil. In some ways, Cialis is an analogue of Viagra, although it has an important difference: its effect lasts longer. The effect can last up to forty-eight hours! More information at dresselstyn.com.
Nothing great or brilliant has ever happened as a result of weed. Concorde was not designed in a fog of forgetfulness. Nor was the Apollo space programme. “Where’s my slide rule, Hank?” “Oh sorry, Junior, I was peckish so I ate it.” Obama Barrack said that as a kid he smoked dope and inhaled frequently. “That was the point,” he joshed. Yes, mate, but I bet you don’t smoke it now. “Sorry, Mr Putin, I wasn’t listening. What were you saying?”
It is allegedly the same story with Bill Gates, although he has never admitted it. He is said to have used it when he was young but we can be fairly sure that his empire would be a bit more corner shoppish if he hadn’t stopped.
There’s a whole list of extremely successful and talented artists and musicians who have owned up to a marijuana addiction. But I suspect they produced their good work despite their habit, not because of it. Mostly the only tangible thing their drugs produced was the vomit on which they choked to death.
This naturally brings me on to alcohol. And, of course, it’s pretty much the same story. Nothing tremendous or brilliant has ever been created by a drunk. It too will make you mental and after you’ve had some you cannot drive a car or operate heavy machinery or assemble an Ikea dining table. However, unlike cannabis, drink makes people interesting and funny.
Go to a party and note the volume of the chat when you get there. Then note what it’s like after a couple of hours. People have become louder and shinier. They beam and they make expansive gestures. They forget their inhibitions, they can’t keep secrets and they want to have sex with one another.
The truth of the matter, then, is this: given the choice of spending time with a group of people who’ve just had a joint and another group who’ve just had a couple of glasses of wine, I’ll take the drinkers every time, which is why I won’t be visiting Denver any time soon. Because the Dog and Duck in Dagenham is going to be a whole lot more fun.